Corey's Unique Morning From Hell

So I had a uniquely New York moment a couple Thursdays ago. More like a series of moments perfectly strung together to comprise the most wretchedly awful morning of my life. It was such a cliche bad morning too; it really should be a script for Devil Wears Prada 2: Devil Gets His Teeth Whitened. (For those who don't know, I was temping at GoSMILE, a tooth whitening company...now the joke makes sense and is hilarious...)

On the morning of Thursday, November 15th, I get into the elevator at work and head up to the 11th floor. It's 9:15, so I'm a little late, but that's normal for me and it's not a big deal because many people would be out of the office doing a training at fancy dancy SAKS Fifth Avenue, so I'm expecting a fairly slow morning.

My expectations were violently crushed when the elevator doors opened and I saw Ursula standing there with 2 bags of tooth whitening products.
"Corey! There you are, we've been trying to get a hold of you but we don't have your cell phone number."

I instantly knew that they were going to make me take those bags to SAKS.

"You need to bring these bags to SAKS. You have to hurry, they've been there waiting for you."

Of course. I step into the office, throw my bag down, take the two bags of toothpaste, whitener, cardboard packaging sleeves, self dignity and head right back out the door, back down the elevator and into the pouring rain. (Yeah, that's right...it was raining. A lot. I mean why would it not be? ) I start walking and caught a cab.

Lucky for me, the cab I get into is driven by someone who has never driven a cab before. Yaaay! I tell him I need to go to 50th and 5th, he then proceeds to point straight along 42nd Street and ask, "Is that up?"

"no. That's west. Go straight and then take a right onto 5th Avenue."

Six minutes later we were only 2 blocks from where we started and I told him to just let me out here and I'll walk. I opened the door, grabbed the products, and as soon as I stepped outside one of my bags broke open spilling the toothpaste, whitener, cardboard sleeves, and my dignity into the muddy river running along side the 42nd street curb.

If my life were a movie, this would be the moment when a tall, stunningly handsome man wearing a business suit and classy over coat would come to my rescue, helping me pick everything up. We would share eye contact as I thanked him for picking up the tooth whitening product out of the puddles, exchange cutely awkward quips about the craziness of the situation and then part ways without exchanging information, but later in the week, as if by fate, run into each other again under less stressful circumstances.

But that is not my life. My life has me standing outside in the rain, shouting profanities to the gods above as cardboard GoSMILE sleeves and products are being carried away by the stream of dirty New York City water.

I throw all the shit back into the cab and tell him to just bring me to 50th and 5th. I call the office to tell them that I'm still in a cab, with wet, muddy product and they inform me that the food I ordered the day before never got to SAKS.

"They were supposed to go to Dunkin Donuts and pick it up at 8:15 this morning." I explained, not really able to believe this was actually happening.

"Oh, well they thought it was going to be delivered."

I arrive at SAKS Fifth Avenue with armfuls of products, and after walking around this enormous department store, find where the training is taking place. I see Jerry, the CEO of the company, standing in back and I walk up to him.

"The bag broke in the rain" I said as I handed him the piles of products.

He replied with, "Okay, why don't you go to Dunkin Donuts and pick up the donuts and coffee that never came and bring them back to the office...since we already paid for it."

I leave SAKS and head over to Rockefeller Plaza in search for the Dunkin Donuts.

There are thousands of Dunkin Donuts in Manhattan, so the day before when I was looking for one that was closest to SAKS, it was obvious that the 30 Rock location would be best. Well after wandering around Rockefeller Plaza for a while, talking to some cops* and calling 411 to get the phone number to this mystery Dunkin Donuts, I finally found it...on 49th and 6th...underground...in a subway station. This was the Dunkin Donuts I called to place an order of 6 dozen donuts and 7 boxes of Joe to be picked up for an important training at SAKS Fifth Avenue.

With the help of a small, bright eyed middle eastern man whose only words seemed to be, "I don't know, it's my first day," I brought the 8 bags full of donuts and coffee to street level to catch a cab. This cab driver, compared to my other one, had been driving for quite some time, which is why he yelled at me and asked me if I was getting his seat wet with my thousands of bags I had piled in. I told him they weren't wet and I would dry off the seat if they were.

I finally got back to the office, an hour and a half after I originally arrived, and had someone help me carry everything up into the kitchen. We unloaded the 6 boxes of donuts and 7 boxes of joe; I took a breath, and then I quit.

It should be noted that I made the decision to quit the night before...this whole experience just made it that much easier.

*

Is it rude to ask a crowd of cops where Dunkin Donuts was? Is there still a whole thing about cops and donuts that would cause them to be offended, or is that all played out?

I decided to fuck it and ask them. The policeman who responded was jolly, jovial and eager to help.

"Oh yeah!! It's underground, in the train station. It's right next to a Cinnabon!!!!!!"

Thank you NYPD!

Cody's Subway Ride.

Cody falls asleep on the V train, and hilarity ensues.

September 11th 2007

September 11th, a day of reflection. Check out our latest video fools!

And don't forget to send us your ideas at newyorkisfunny@gmail.com!

Morning in New York

Its here! Our first video!

Enjoy an average morning in the life of Cody Lindquist.


Don't forget to send us your stories of unique happenings in NYC so you can see them recreated by Unique New York!

Unlimited pasta bowl at the Olive Garden!

We at Unique New York, have stumbled across a gem. A hidden treasure in New York City known to all around the country as the Unlimited Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden. Last evening, we heading to the Chelsea location for $8.95 worth of gluttony. A uniquely New York evening ensued. Three bowls of pasta (each), several family style salads, two baskets of breadsticks, and a magnum of house Red later, we had not only filled our stomachs but our minds.

Now for the nay-sayers out there we have composed a list of the top three reasons why you too should head to the OG:

1. You can't get a sit down dinner ANYWHERE in NYC for under 10 bucks. Seriously. Ok, maybe in Chinatown, but to actually sit down, have a waiter come up to your table and bring you food at that price is next to impossible. So even if you don't like pasta, its worth it to go on principal alone.
2. Its unlimited. They just keeping bringing you pasta! And salad! And breadsticks. It just keeps coming! Now, the Times Square OG will let you pick different pastas/sauces for every bowl you get, but at the Chelsea location they are a little more uptight. We suggest making friends with waiter. If you flirt, they might bring you a to-go box, then you can have lunch the next day! And the savings just keep getting better.
3. It reminds you of home. Well it reminds us of home because we are from the suburbs where every restaurant is a chain restaurant...and everyone is fat.
So, bottom line: Go to the Olive Garden now. Before its too late! It will warm your soul.
*Please be nice to your waiter because they are gonna hate you. Show your gratitude by tipping very generously.

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